The Bugtussle UFO Incident Report

What follows is the result of my first homework assignment from a writing group I just joined.  The assignment was to create a ”Fraudulent Artifact.”

The Fraudulent Artifact (exercise for April 4, 2012)

Try writing a piece of fiction that masquerades as another form of
nonfictional writing. This could take a number of shapes, including a
letter to the editor, an obituary, part of a legal transcript, an
interview, an incident report, a police blotter, an infomercial script
… the possibilities are endless.

So, my very first Fraudulent Artifact.

The Bugtussle UFO Incident Report

On the evening of July 12, 1984, a UFO sighting was reported to the office of the Bugtussle Picayune, the local paper of the unincorporated township of Bugtussle Iowa, population 432.  The Picayune included the report in its July 18 issue.  The Bugtussle Picayune is a single-sheet newsletter with a circulation that does not extend beyond the immediate vicinity of the township, but the story was picked up by the Des Moines Register and subsequently came to the attention of the Midwestern UFO Research Institute.  The Institute immediately dispatched an investigator to the scene in order to interview the witnesses of the event.  The witness statements and investigator’s conclusions are attached.

Witness Statement of Eustace LaFong – recorded by Lead UFO Investigator Ralph Edwards, Bugtussle, Iowa, July 24, 1984.

Well sir, on the night in question I was driving along in my old Ford, minding my own business,  coming home from the monthly covered dish supper in the basement of the Last Shall Be First Lutheran Church over on Wooster Street where I’d gotten on the outside of a (expletive deleted), oops, pardon my French, bunch of casseroles and I could feel them fighting amongst each other down there if you get my drift, so I was moving down the road at a pretty good clip because I’m just not comfortable using any bathroom except my own in those situations if you get my drift, and I knew then I shouldn’t have had two helpings of Doreen Pittman’s Sweet Potato and Cabbage Surprise since that always gives me wind something fierce and I didn’t want to relieve the pressure by passing gas as I was afraid I’d pass more than gas if you get my drift, when all of a sudden I see this big shiny thing just drop out of the sky and land right smack-dab in the middle of the road.

Well sir, I just slammed on those brakes as hard as I could and stopped the old Ford right before I hit that big shiny thing.

That’s all I remember until I woke up a few minutes later with old Henry Larsen giving me what-for because I’d stopped my car smack-dab in his rose bushes.  That big shiny thing was gone and the seat cushions on the old Ford were pretty much ruined if you get my drift.

Witness Statement of Margene Eichelberger – recorded by Lead UFO Investigator Ralph Edwards,  Bugtussle, Iowa,  July 27, 1984.

The night of the event I was sitting on my porch, drinking an iced tea and talking with my friend Marcella about the sorry state of affairs in the public school system.  Honestly, those long-haired radical teachers teach things I can’t even mention in polite company.  Anyway, just as Marcella was about to agree with me, we started to hear a kind of a deep humming sound coming from over the house.  Then all of a sudden this huge thing, I’m not sure what it was, is in the middle of the street right in front of Eustace LaFong’s car which was driving much faster than he should have been driving.  Eustace stopped his car right before he hit the thing, whatever it was, and wound up in the middle of Henry Larsen’s rose garden.  It was a real shame because Henry works so hard on that garden.

Then I must have blacked out for a while because the next thing I remember was seeing Henry berating Eustace for ruining his garden.  The huge thing on the road was gone.

Witness Statement of Marcella Kelly – recorded by Lead UFO Investigator Ralph Edwards, Bugtussle, Iowa, July 27, 1984.

I’m a bit fuzzy on the details myself, but I thought one of those big silver tank trucks just pulled out onto the road in front of Eustace and Eustace was going so fast he lost control of his car.  But I’m sure whatever Margene told you is what happened.

Witness Statement of Henry Larsen – recorded by Lead UFO Investigator Ralph Edwards, Bugtussle, Iowa, July 27, 1984.

I was at home in my living room on the night of the so-called “event.”  I was sitting in my chair reading a book about the Civil War when I heard brakes screeching in front of the house.  I went out into the yard and there was that dang Eustace LaFong’s car parked right in the middle of my roses.  As soon as I figure out the damage I’m going to send Eustace the bill.  I never saw any UFOs or whatever they’re called, myself I think Eustace just had a snootful and lost control of his car.  Mind you, I couldn’t smell any liquor on Eustace’s breath because he smelled too bad to get very close to.  Worst thing I’ve smelled since I moved into town off the farm.

Conclusions of Lead UFO Investigator Ralph Edwards dated July 30, 1984.

The Bugtussle Incident of 1984 appears to be a classic UFO encounter; there was a visual sighting of an Unidentified Flying Object combined with several reports of possible human paralysis (catalepsy) and missing time (a gap in conscious memory).  I recommend this incident be classified as a Close Encounter of the Second Kind (Confirmed).

Respectfully submitted by Ralph Edwards, Lead UFO Investigator for the Midwestern UFO Research Institute, Midwestern Regional Office, Mobile Unit One.

Things to Do With Your Hat – Part 1, the Wearing of the Hat

Tags

Cap, Hat, Koofi, Kufi, Marmot

Those who know me, know I’m a diehard galeaphile (hat lover). I’ve always mourned the death of hatwearing.  Up until the 1950s, for a man to go outside without a hat or head-cover of some sort was about as unlikely as him leaving home without pants.  A hat did more than keep the rain and bird crap off your head, it was a statement of style and character, even social class.

I was nine during the Civil War Centennial in 1961 and everyone was getting into the spirit.  The men grew beards and there were all sorts of commemorations and ceremonies.   I got my hands on a cheap replica of a Union kepi and wore it everywhere until I outgrew it.  Throughout much of the ’70s and ’80s I wore a black leather “Tevye” cap I found in Aspen in 1973.  And my old friends from The Atlanta Pipe Band are still carrying the emotional scars left by my unrelenting pith helmet campaign.

Shortly after we moved to St. Louis in 1999, and what with needing to deal with those Midwestern winters again, I purchased a winter hat at a local outdoor recreation store called The Alpine Shop.  The hat met all my criteria; unusual, stylish, black (but with colorful accents), covered the ears, soft, and non-scratchy.  I was happy with both its appearance and feel.  It never entered my mind that there was any question about how it should be worn.

I wear it with the flap toward the back and the brightly-colored vertical panel centered on the forehead (as in the left-hand picture below).  Since I purchased it, I’ve seen two others, and in both instances they were worn with the flap to the front (as in the picture below on the right).

At first glance, it doesn’t appear to matter any more than someone wearing their baseball cap backwards.

But when the wind begins to blow and the ears get cold, the method on the left (mine) has obvious advantages.

a). the ears are covered, and,
b). the likelihood of walking into trees is reduced.

I don’t know who those guys think they are, walking around with their hats on backwards.  I’m going to continue to wear mine as I have been until someone in authoritah informs me that form is required to triumph over function.

- Poppa

Playing With PollDaddy

What have you changed your mind about? Why?

The Edge Annual Question — 2008

From About Edge at edge.org

“The mandate of Edge Foundation is to promote inquiry into and discussion of intellectual, philosophical, artistic, and literary issues, as well as to work for the intellectual and social achievement of society.”

Every year, the Edge Foundation asks its members a question.  This year, the question was, “What have you changed your mind about? Why?”  The responses are an interesting read.  (They start about halfway down the index page.)  There are 166 contributors, so reading them all is not a task you should undertake lightly, but you can skim the subject headings and pass on those that look obscure, such as

“I have changed my mind about cortical neurons and now think that they are far more capable than we ever imagined.” by Terrence Sejnowski, Computational Neuroscientist, Salk Institute, Coauthor, The Computational Brain

and just read those that pique your interest, such as

“Much of what I believed about human nature, and the nature of knowledge, has been upended by the Wikipedia.” by Kevin Kelly, Editor-At-Large, Wired; Author, New Rules for the New Economy

or

“Good Old Stuff Sucks” by Stewart Brand, Founder, Whole Earth Catalog, cofounder; The Well; cofounder, Global Business Network; Author, How Buildings Learn

So I’ve been thinking about this and have come up with two examples of my own.

Religion: Mitigated or Unmitigated Evil?

… and …

The Death Penalty: A Good Idea in Theory, but Difficult to Execute

More later.  Unless I change my mind again.

Oh, and I didn’t used to like oysters, until I discovered Oysters Bienville.

– Poppa

money challenge in September

I suggested a money challenge in September for John and me. Our goals are to pay double the car payment, pay double the mortgage payment, pay double our usual monthly savings. How are we gonna do this? On paper, we can do this if we spend only $400 on fun. When I say it out loud it sounds ridiculous – “only” $400 for fun in the month. And I am sort of cheating, because we already have tickets for some fun in September – Second City performance, Garrison Keillor performance/reading, Brad Garrett performance. But still, this will be a challenge for me to avoid impulse purchases from e-Bay, Amazon, Target, and Macy’s. No recreational shopping for me this month. It will be a challenge for John too.  His impulse spending is at Best Buy and Napster. And we both like to eat at restaurants – frequently.

For September, we’ll be adopting a Little House on the Prairie lifestyle, relatively speaking. Visualize us staying away from stores, restaurants, and online retailers.

–Nan